Here is the story of how I fell in love with a broken heart.
I was 19 the summer of 2009 when I met JL. He was my first serious partner, through innocent friendship and flirting, to dating and falling in love. Our relationship was a challenge from the start with outside influences weighing in as my young soul was still discovering who I was without anyone controlling me.
JL was my safe place after a lifetime of journeying to independence. In our relationship I learned so much. We were together for four years and became engaged midway. Our love felt like a fantasy.
During this time many situations arose where I was mistreated. As most abusive cycles go the mistreatment was alternated between apologies and deep passion.
Leaving felt impossible and we separated many times, only to be drawn back to each other like gravity. Finally, with him sitting across from me in my bedroom, I shook with an anxiety attack and told him not to talk to me anymore. I saw him one last time at an event and then he vanished for four years.
Then he came back.
I got a message on my phone about half a year ago from him. I always thought when I spoke to him again I would yell at him and rage out from the pain he caused me. Like usual, I immediately was kind and forgiving. We spoke often from then on, processing our past and sharing how much we had grown and changed since then. It felt exactly how I wanted it to, like reuniting with a best friend. It felt like healing medicine to the parts of myself that he had hurt.
We made plans to connect in person as he was traveling my way. And then, he ghosted me.
Fresh blood poured from my little beating heart. How. How. Why. Why would this person hurt me, again.
I was furious.
After all those years and talks, this person who I have felt immense amounts of love with chose to hurt me AGAIN. All the excuses in the world went through my head, none of them sufficient.
While visiting Maui for a meditation course last month I stayed on a property that looking west had a view of the smallest of the eight Hawaiian islands called Kaho’olawe.
This island is known as a sacred area to the native Hawaiian people. Through colonization the land has rode many ups and downs. In World War II American military used Kaho’olawe as a bomb range and military training site.
Today the land and surrounding waters are an island reserve and is protected by law to be used for cultural, spiritual, and preservation purposes. It is said to potentially still have explosives and the only way to go on the island is to volunteer with the Kaho’olawe Island Reserve Commission.
I watched the sun set over this island every night. During the day the red color of the land would sparkle in the sun. Such a beautiful island, so mistreated in the past is now protected.
One night while in silent meditation I felt how furious I was at JL for hurting me. I picked at my dinner and then huffed off, pacing around the property. As I walked in circles along the shore, sweating with the heat of my rage and pain, I thought about this island that I faced across the waters. I thought about it’s story, and I felt a connection to this part of my heart that JL touched.
I started thinking of my heart as a preserve. A land that had been through a lot, and so was cherished to the point of having boundaries to keep it untouched. My heart was hurt and so it deserves a place of peace. Others who did not know its value may have stomped on it, but no more. Likewise my own energy has not always been helpful, so I am protected also from my own influence. This part of my heart is to be seen and respected.
In thinking this way I felt a softness come over me. Knowing that these boundaries protect me allowed me to forgive myself for allowing the patterns of pain to continue.
Now I sit and watch this part of me. I love it. The sun setting over my heart reminds me that I am safe.✨
Blessed full moon, this cold moon. The last of such fullness we see before Yule, after which the wheel turns another cycle towards longer lighter days.
The seeds I have been planting every moon, seasons turn, and celestial shower are starting to grow.
What wonders a heart that knows what it wants and eyes who see beyond time get to become, when paired with patience flowers bloom.
There is a certain darkness that shows a new layer. A stillness that offers deeper reflection. A breathless moment that lasts for what feels an infinity reminds me that I am so much very more than I can imagine.
When I received an invitation to attend Quepasana — a ten day silent meditation course practicing the meditation style of vipassana — I knew by the tears that began streaming down my cheeks and the fire in my belly that I had to be there.
The course is completely volunteer led, financially supported by donations and the founder Jorge Yant. This means that attending is completely free. All you have to do is commit to show up and follow the rules, which include handing in all electronics as well as practicing noble silence for ten days.
Noble silence is the practice of pretending as if you are completely alone even if you are surrounded by 50 other people. All speech among guests is forbidden. Eye contact is discouraged. If you have a need then you can write a note to one of the course leaders and they in turn may allow you to speak with them.
Despite working my way through anxiety the days leading up to my arrival, when I made it to the Quepasana property I was greeted with so much warmth that I immediately felt safe. The first day was spent settling in and getting to know the people I would be sharing the next 10 days with. After lunch we had our first meditation and I found my nerves relax as I had begun tapping into the peaceful place inside of me.
My days began at 4:30am, awoke from a dream state by the ritualistic bell ringing throughout the property. I slept in a large canvas tent on a cozy air mattress, sitting atop the hill in a lightly wooded area. While the stars were at their brightest I made my way to the Shala for some awakening yoga and then our first hour of seated meditation. A couple times I saw the moon set over the ocean like a salmon colored orb sinking beneath the horizon. One morning I paused before entering the Shala to look up at the heavens and saw a shooting star, giving me a little boost of strength for that day.
After morning meditation I typically scrambled to get dressed for the beach and then quickly ate breakfast so I made it to the truck in time to climb in the back with a dozen other silent people. I carried the meditative state in my heart as I became one with the morning wind on my face. No matter how dry my towel felt in the midday sun of yesterday it still felt moist and cold around my shoulders from spending a night in the tent with me on tropical Maui, a long way from my desert home.
A trip to Little Beach where we run naked into the waves is not typical of a traditional vipassana course, yet I certainly was grateful for the intimate connection to the clear blue waters and smooth sand. The sun began to peek over the trees and I floated, one with the elements. There were a couple days when I skipped the beach trip and went back to bed instead, those days were deeply divine as well. Rest is powerful work.
In the afternoons we had yin yoga. Yin yoga was a precious deviation from sitting upright. With peaceful and uplifting music holding us in our poses I let go on cellular level. When the Shala grew so hot that almost thought I couldn’t bear it it was then that I would hear the continuous spray of the yin angels coming closer to me. I felt so thankful to receive a refreshing spray of water and cooling essential oils on my skin. Other times the servers would assist me in a pose or offer massage and energy work. The love I felt from their hands would make me melt into tears; my eye pillow often had two round wet spots when I took it off to switch poses.
Early afternoon was the time of day we most often were gifted with rain. The slow pitter patters would tap on the tent roof and soon a downpour would come to wash away what had surfaced in my heart. the coolness that came from the rain was welcome, and I would slip into a place of completely letting go.
Being so in my own world despite being around many people revealed to me how much of my story is projection. Thoughts can sway from love to judgment in an instant, wether towards myself or others, and in a moment I can switch right back. Meditation is the practice of coming back to center. I will sway, that is the beauty of life, and still I return to center again and again.
Many different emotions came up during the ten days, and I found that I had not much else to do than sit with and feel everything that came up. Traumas from years ago resurfaced like crashing waves onto my shore. Other times tears bubbled over me during a sit and I let my body rock with the storm, finding comfort in the sweet rhythm.
Now that I have been home for a couple weeks I can see which changes have stuck. Particularly with my emotions it seems that I feel them in a deeper place, which allows them to be safely looked at and felt. I feel a sensitivity from all parts of myself have increased, creating a gentle approach to life. Walls that I had become so used to melted in the safe arms of Quepasana and now I can move freely.
I have known for a while the power of meditation, and have benefitted from it greatly. This experience was a high dose of meditation medicine. It is really special to have a place to go where I can be taken care of while I do the magical work of being present with myself.
I am lit up with passion for this work and so I am launching a 30 day meditation course to help us create and support a regular meditation practice. Learn more here.✨
I am excited to announce Set Yourself Free, a 30 Day Meditation Course January 1-30. This is an opportunity for you to give yourself the space and support to begin or build upon your personal meditation practice. Commit to 30 days of daily practice which you customize, and connect with others who are doing the same.
The course includes:
•Weekly email with educational resources and journal questions •Weekly zoom video meeting •Private Facebook group for support and discussion topics
To join the 30 Day Meditation Course send “SIGN ME UP” to KosmicRockstar@gmail.com and you will receive a welcome email as confirmation.
Cost is $55 Two partial scholarships and one full scholarship available. If interested in applying for scholarships please include a note in your email.
I think about other people a lot. Especially those closest to me. I think it is natural that we have collectively learned that wanting to support our loved ones comes from a caring place.
I dug beneath my personal desires to help and have found a similar pattern.
In seeking to connect with someone else I am ultimately looking to fill a desire or need inside of myself. Knowing this, I now ask myself:
“Do I believe that the person I want to help is fully capable of taking care of themselves?
Do I believe that the person I want to help will ask me if they need or want anything from me?”
I believe that I can almost always answer yes to these questions. I believe that everyone has everything they need even if one of their needs is to speak up and ask for help. When someone asks for help the person being asked then has the option to say yes or no. If they say yes then an open flow of giving and receiving has been in initiated.
The more that I focus on myself the more my world seems to blossom, both my inner world and my outer world. When I attune my energy to myself and not to others I find it easier to meet my own needs, and my desires to feel fulfilled by others versus actual needs for support hold greater distinction.
If you would like to join me in turning the questions inward, let’s see how it feels to focus on ourselves:
“Do I believe that I am fully capable of taking care of myself?
Do I believe that I will ask for help if I need or want anything?”
Personally my answer to both questions is YES!
If your answer is less certain, that is okay! Think about these questions as you go throughout your day and focus on where you are giving your power. Is it to someone else, or is it grounded inside of yourself?
To get myself feeling more in my personal power I like to move my body through dancing or singing, and expressing myself through writing or talking.
I see people asking every day about ways to protect themselves, ways to stay energetically clear, ways to manage their emotions, ways to foster abundance, ways to ground, ways to find purpose and a will to live, and the list goes on.
Regardless of what is going on in one’s life, I know who wants to change and who doesn’t based on their willingness and ability to tap into their own soul.
Yes, I’m talking about meditation.
Sit down for five minutes.
Repeat every day, extending the time if desired.
Now I’m not trying to white wash anyone’s struggle. Life can get pretty maddening and external forces can put a lot of pressure on us.
The one thing you always have, until the day your body passes and the soul transitions, is your body and your breath. This is your source of power.
Sitting, breathing, and feeling your own soul is a key to breakthrough. It is a key to overcoming unhealthy ways of thinking. It is a key to processing trauma and complex emotions. Let me rephrase this, YOU are the key to understanding yourself!
Taking a moment to check in with the deeper parts of ourselves can become a ritual of bliss. If you haven’t gotten there yet, it may be because things start coming up when you start to enter meditation. Listen to your heart and treat yourself like a child who needs help. Go to ceremony, see a therapist, talk to someone you trust and bounce your experiences off them, but remember, no one can save you but yourself. This is a good thing! This means that you have the power to free yourself of the struggles of past beliefs and patterns.
Reset. Take a minute to close your eyes, count your breath, and listen to your heart.💛
Krista Ray is a holistic therapist assisting others in revealing their empowered selves one session at a time.✨
In many spiritual communities terms such as sister, brother, goddess and priestess are used frequently among friends and clients.
While some embrace these titles, I ask that you remember the non binary and queer people in your circles. I have chosen a few examples of gender neutral spiritual slang that is safe for all audiences and relationships:
Remember to ask (don’t assume) people’s pronouns. Using words that respect someone’s identity is a huge part of loving them.💖